


keep a place for me (it's nothing)

by andyanthea



Category: Formula 1 RPF, Formula E RPF
Genre: Bittersweet Ending, Getting Invited to Your Ex's Wedding, M/M, Post-Break Up, Reunions, Weddings, What-If
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-10
Updated: 2018-08-10
Packaged: 2019-06-25 07:18:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15635901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/andyanthea/pseuds/andyanthea
Summary: It's 2024. Dan gets invited to Jean-Eric and André's wedding in Paris.





	keep a place for me (it's nothing)

**Author's Note:**

> This is the result of peak productivity slash procrastination, where I have an 1000-word essay that's due in two days but ended up writing a 3000-word fic instead. Title is from 'Self Control' - Frank Ocean.

Dan doesn’t expect to receive the black envelope on his doorstep. He wonders who would send snail mail on this time and age; it must be something important. He picks it up and finds that the contents are quite heavy on his hand.

Dan opens it to find a sleek monochromatic card. He applauds whoever chose black and gold accents to contrast the bright white cardstock. His imagination doesn’t fool him, because he finds the person’s name there, embossed in gold ink.

Dan feels shivers down his neck.

_You are cordially invited to the wedding of_

_Jean-Eric Vergne  
&  
André Lotterer_

Dan’s laugh is bitter, and his sweaty palms are soaking the paper wet. Of all life’s comedies, somehow he has to go through the cliche ‘getting invited to your ex’s wedding’. His laugh dissipates as he thinks of what to with the information. Should he come? Would he be welcome there? Dan hopes Jean-Eric hasn’t talked too badly of their relationship after he left Formula 1. He doesn’t want an angry mob of Formula E and WEC drivers welcoming him with pitchforks and battery acid in Paris. 

He sighs when flashes of their Toro Rosso days appear at the back of his head. The images disappear as fast as whatever’s left of their relationship. Dan knows he can’t blame Jean-Eric too much - he’s grown out of the emotional baggage enough to recognize his own part in the fallout. He wouldn’t admit it to anyone, but he’s the one who stopped answering Jean-Eric’s calls after he went up to Red Bull, and ignored Jean-Eric’s mentions of him on social media. He wonders why he let things become so frigid.

Back then, he convinced everyone that the moment Jean-Eric was out from Red Bull, their lives had ceased to intersect. But inside, he still fears of what his ex would say if he had picked up the phone. A distance of ten years isn’t a short one, and they haven’t closed each other off despite demolishing all bridges. But then they've moved to different lives and different people, into parallels without crossroads.

Still, Dan needs the closure.

Dan puts together the black envelope and puts it inside a hidden drawer. He books a flight to Paris soon after, and stays up all night putting together whatever he would say a two weeks from then.

____

Dan arrives at the airport without much fanfare. He swiftly enters the cab he ordered and rearranged his breath. His thought had been jumbled throughout the flight, even when all the thought of was Jean-Eric. 

The vibrations in his pocket snap him out, and Dan checks his phone. The drivers’ chat group is lively with notifications, which is a rarity. Dan smiles as he reads out the conversation. He had sent a picture of the invitation to the chat group, captioned with _‘free alcohol! see you there :P’._ Unexpectedly, most of the drivers were invited as well. They replied to the photo with humorous emojis and continued to joke about free food, parties and reunions. It’s been two years since his generation had begun to retire, after all. Kimi was the first card to fall in the domino, this time for real. Lewis followed suit after his sixth championship - a sudden retirement, too similar to someone close to heart. A year after, Sebastian passed down his Ferrari throne to Charles, with Antonio as his partner. Fernando left for WEC, following a certain Australian. Romain chose parenting over racing, Kevin had gotten married, Marcus moved elsewhere, and now only he, Hulk, and Checo remain to finish their careers soon.

A solemn smile flashes on Dan’s face as he scrolls through the chat. So much has changed since the entered the sport thirteen years ago. The rookies of their time have become veterans, and new drivers have come to take their place. He, too, was part of that cycle long ago. Perhaps being in his final year makes him sappy, but Dan promises himself to close his career with happy memories. He’s seen and had feuds, fallout, heartbreak, hookups, and enough emotional rollercoasters in the paddock. 

Dan remembers teasing Seb and Kimi when they first got together after Kimi returned to F1. After that, he found Pierre asking him for advice when he wanted to confess to Charles. He recalls sighting Checo crying in Hulk’s arms when Force India was spared, like how Esteban kissed Lance out of gratitude for it. Then he had to watch Max and Carlos’ rivalry grew more toxic than ever, that even he had to step in. No matter how they competed on the track, Dan understands that many of them fell in love with more than just racing itself. 

(Like Dan and Jean-Eric, but it’s gone now.)

The driver informs him that they’ve arrived. Dan hurries to reach his wallet, gets his baggage out, and enters the hotel with anticipation. He spared three days before the ceremony, so he can go around Paris first. Years of hopping countries without enjoying them has left him hungry for proper sightseeing. As soon as he receives his key, he gets to his room. He can’t wait to put his things down and go out to the city.  
___

The Parisian wind messes up Dan’s curls, but he couldn’t care less. His eyes are exploring the vibrant details of the city as the sun sets. Street lamps begin to light up, resembling stars over the orange and purple gradient. Dan enjoys the many scents in the breeze: pastries, flowers, and a touch of fragrance. As the purple sky dims, Dan soaks in the warmth from the surrounding lights. He strides through with his rented scooter, before finally stopping at a small bistro for dinner.

Dan’s eyes wander around the wooden interior of the bistro, watching couples of all types occupy the tables. They blur into blobs of color and faded laughter through his absentminded gaze. He’s not afraid doing things solo, but he remembers he’s in the same city as his ex-boyfriend, all by himself. Everyone, everything in the room is what he and Jean-Eric could have been. 

Dan shakes his head.

He rides back to the hotel as soon as he’s done paying for the meal. His footsteps are frantic as he rushes to his hotel room, charging into the bed as fatigue attacks him. His heart is cranky and his head just wants some sleep. 

Instead, he scrolls through Jean-Eric’s Instagram. After the fifth photo of him with Andre, Dan slams the phone on the mattress and buries his head in the pillow.

___

Dan’s phone buzzes in his hand, waking him up. He blinks a few times before his sight clears up, and he clicks on the Whatsapp notification. Seb is telling the other F1 drivers that Jean-Eric is holding out a gathering for fellow racers only, perhaps some sort of petrolhead bachelor party. It doesn’t take long for the others to chime in to the announcement. Soon only Dan is left without an answer.

Dan holds his breath and wonders whether to come or not. But he’s already here anyway, so might as well run for hell, right?

He hopes he wouldn’t regret the ‘yes’ he sent.

___

“You came,” Jean-Eric’s voice is almost a whisper when he spots the Australian.

Dan winces at Jean-Eric’s tone; he hears shock and awe with a dash of hurt. He scrambles to compose himself with a nervous grin on his face. The hem of his shirt suddenly becomes interesting. “Eh, yeah. Gonna celebrate the last days being single, man.” His breath hitches as he starts his next sentence. “Congratulations, anyway. Wouldn’t have missed it for the world.” Dan hopes Jean-Eric wouldn’t read into the last sentence, or how he means it a bit too sincerely considering their current state of affairs. 

“ _Merci._ It’s good to see you here,” Jean-Eric continues. The ice melts a bit when he smiles. “Enjoy the party. I know you’ll all miss me when I’m not racing anymore,” he jokes.

 _I’ve missed you every day,_ Dan answers in his head. Jean-Eric’s hand is searing hot on his shoulder. He dreads the handprint-shaped burns it would leave on him, haunting him with regret and missed opportunities.

“André! Come here, I want you to meet Dan,” Jean-Eric calls for his fiance, who’s drinking with some drivers on the opposite side of the room. Dan clenches his hand in reflex, feet tensing when Andre comes closer. “I don’t think you’ve met yet. Dan, this is André, my fiance. André, this is Dan, my-”

“-ex-boyfriend. I won’t bite, don’t worry.” André cuts Jean-Eric off with a wave, and firmly shakes Dan’s hand. His voice may be mischievous, but Dan sees a glint of competitiveness in his eyes. André’s grip on his hand starts to hurt a bit. He finally lets go with a chuckle, and Dan can’t help but feel challenged. “I’ll check on the endurance boys for a while. Figure you two need some catching up.” With that, André walks away and leaves Dan and Jean-Eric puzzled.

Dan takes the chance and asks Jean-Eric: “Can we talk somewhere private?”

___

“I really did not expect you to come,” Jean-Eric mentions as he leans to the railing. They gaze at the city lights from the rooftop, tracing glowing dots of color over the darkness of the night. Inside the house, Andre’s doing a good job at keeping the guests spirited with entertainment and drinks - nothing Dan is in the mood for. Dan wants a break from the crowd, and thankfully Jean-Eric agrees to escape with him. 

“Why did you invite me then?” Dan asks, brown eyes wide and curious. “I don’t have any business in your wedding, mate, we ended a long time ago. You didn’t have to include me in your life again. But then you did.” He avoids Jean-Eric’s eyes, afraid of unknown, of the answers waiting for him. “Is this revenge? For me to see you finally being happy? I won’t blame you for that. You deserve better than me, anyway.”  


Jean-Eric bites his lip, trying to find the words that would tear his walls less. The last thing he would want is to be vulnerable in front of his ex, a days before his wedding.

“I don’t want us to leave while still hating each other,” he finally confesses. The house lights reflect on his eyes, illuminating his amber brown irises. “I know we didn’t break up nicely. I spent years blaming you and Toro Rosso, but when I came to Formula E, I realized I was wrong too.” He braves himself as his heartbeat speed up the more he stares at Dan. “I wanted to see you again. To say sorry.”

Dan senses all his emotions rising to his chest and throat. He struggles to keep his voice even. “Why only now? Why not then? You could have...we could’ve fixed this back then.”

“I told you, I was stupid.” Jean-Eric moved closer. “I thought I would be fine with hating you forever. But I was tired of blaming you and everything else. You were there for me back then, I still remember it all. I would never---I could never hate you,” he says, full of conviction. 

Dan remains resigned, though light begins to return to his eyes. His grin is gentler than his usual bright, wide smile. “But I guess somewhere along the line we know we’d be better without each other, mate. I’ve hurt you too much. I wouldn’t want us to go back there.” He looks at how the lamps illuminate Jean-Eric’s features, so familiar yet so much has changed. Dan suddenly realizes how much better he appears - he’s gained a healthy weight from since he left, and the dark clouds that loomed over him have disappeared. He finally looks like the world champion he destined himself to be, bright and free from Red Bull’s shackles. Dan can relate with the feeling of breaking free from ghosts of the past. He expresses it to Jean-Eric. “You look better now. I’m...glad. You found a home in Formula E, eh?”

“Yeah, thankfully. They’re good people, good friends.” Jean-Eric blushes a bit at Dan’s compliment. “It’s good when you’re surrounded with people who deserved better and treats others like they deserve it too.” Dan watches how Jean-Eric lights up, recalling the times he’d read news on his stint in Formula E. He reads about the other drivers; they do look happier. The media calls the series ‘a retirement home for F1 rejects’, but Dan sees how it means much more than that to Jean-Eric. Formula E saved him, after all, from the wasteland Red Bull casted him away to. He found new friends, the ones who wouldn’t betray him - they’ve had their own taste of bitterness, they would know better. Dan wishes Formula 1 could be like that; he’s tired of the politics and the drama. When he finally leaves after the season, he hopes it means leaving for the better.

“I heard you’re retiring?” Jean-Eric shifts the conversation.

Dan nods. “Yeah. It’s been thirteen years, mate. I’m tired of fighting. I’ll let the kids fight,” he jests. Jean-Eric laughs too.

“You’re old anyway, should leave some trophies for the kids,” Jean-Eric jokes.

Dan sticks out his tongue. “Same goes to you, asshole. Can’t win in everything in life.”

Jean-Eric rolls his eyes. “Can’t help it that I’m a sexy piece of meat in a championship car.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up,” Dan responds with a punch to Jean-Eric’s shoulder. Jean-Eric hits him back, and they exchange light blows while guffawing at each other. The sound of their laughter together rings so strangely in their ears. Somehow they’re brought back to the past, where everything was good, when they’ve yet to learn ruthlessness. It’s been too long since then, and for a while Dan ruminates: how much of that could they revive?

Dan and Jean-Eric are out of breath; they haven’t laughed that loud for the longest time. They stare at each other as if they were kids again. But the weight of reality sinks in again, and Dan sighs. 

“I’ve missed you,” Dan admits, exhaling the burden out. “I’ve been afraid, really. That you wouldn’t want me back in your life, whatever I would be. I mean…” he pauses, stringing together the right words. “I never said goodbye. Not even let you said it. I’ve been looking for a chance to see you again and close this off the right way.”

Jean-Eric still stares at him intently, straight through his soul.

“And then suddenly…” Dan swallows, “...you’re getting married. I don’t know what to do with that fact, I can’t say I’m not disappointed. But I guess it’s the perfect chance. You deserve happiness, even if it’s not with me.”

Jean-Eric’s gaze softens at Dan’s last sentence. “You also need to be happy. You’ll find someone new. There’s so many people out there who can do you good. More than I could.”

“Maybe, yeah.” Dan finally meets Jean-Eric’s eyes again. “Thank you, JEV. For everything. For being my first love.”

“In spite of the shit that happens,” Jean-Eric cocks his head to smirk jokingly.

Dan chuckles. “In spite of Marko, the Great Red Bull Teen Fall Out of 2014, and your emo period, I still think you were an awesome boyfriend."

He almost misses the warmth of Jean-Eric’s hand on his. “You too, Daniel.”

When their lips touch, it knocks out every imagination Dan had about his last kiss. There are no sparks, no electric shocks, no wisps of happier times before him or an old flame relighted. Instead he keeps in his skin the softness of Jean-Eric’s lips, a memory to be his torch when life becomes dark. He doesn’t know how life would be after this, but all he knows is that he wants Jean-Eric to be happy. The time can’t come soon enough.

Dan feels the cool calm of acceptance wash over him, even in the heat of Jean-Eric’s embrace. He memorizes his scent, the roughness of his stubble, and the weight of his arms around him. Quietly, Dan pieces all of Jean-Eric for his keepsake, for him to bring home after everything ends.

__

Dan sits down near the F1 drivers the next morning. They gather in the small church for the matrimony, anticipating both grooms to enter soon enough. Dan finds the white flowers decorating the aisle and altar strangely calming. 

The drivers break into wide smiles and grins the moment Jean-Eric and Andre enter the church, walking down the aisle in matching black suits. The Formula E mob snickers and giggles when they noticed the cheetah-themed boutonniere the couple wears. Somewhere in the middle row Ivan smiles proudly and Lucas collects bet money from his fellow drivers, whispering ‘I knew it,’ with a proud wink. Their WEC friends do secret handshakes under the chairs, giving each other a thumbs up at the busted myth of Jean-Eric and Andre’s relationship. Brendon and Pierre watch the couple with especially fond eyes. Pierre sneaks a glance at Charles, watching the bloom of his dimple when he speaks. The Formula 1 drivers sit next to their partners in the back row, with Fernando murmuring something to Mark’s ears as their hands lock. Dan could’ve sworn he heard something in the lines of ‘when are we next’. 

When time comes for the vows, all the guests keep their attention on Jean-Eric and Andre as they read their lines. Laughter erupts when Andre reads, “I promise to support you forever and ever like we’ve did in Techeetah, except the part where I hit you in Santiago and when you put a snake on me when I napped,” and even Ivan and Allan joins the crowd. Dan laughs too, of course.

There’s the fleeting sting in his chest.

The officiant scans the crowd as he reaches the line everyone waits for: “Anyone who has objection to this wedding, speak now or hold your peace.” 

The crowd settles to a pause, waiting for whoever shall rise from their seats. Brendon taps Dan’s shoulder and looks at him in concern; he knows everything about them, after all. Dan feels his feet quaking, and he takes a deep breath. Something deep in his chest echoes at him to stand up and take what could still be his. 

But he sees the light in Jean-Eric’s eyes, and the glimmer he hasn’t seen again since he left Toro Rosso. The darkness that swallowed his light is long gone, and Dan holds back a sob at how Jean-Eric _glows._

He wants to keep it.

“Anyone?” The officiant repeats. 

Dan stays on his seat, and the ceremony continues.


End file.
